The year is 1876, the place St. Louis Missouri. Libby Hollister is stowing away on a boat to get away from her lecherous stepfather, the reverend Elijah Aardsworth. He deplored her sinful body, but didn't deplore it enough enough to restrain himself from groping, whereupon she brained him with a crucifix.
So, Libs is stowing away in a bunk and hears the following conversation.
"Well, maybe if you weren't so keen on boning everyone, I wouldn't have to force you to get arranged married"
"Well, maybe I like boning everyone. And maybe I don't want to go live on a cattle ranch where there is no one nice to bone around the place"
"You'll do what I tell you, insolent chit. This is your last chance to be a not-slut"
"Fine."
"Fine"
"Well, maybe I like boning everyone. And maybe I don't want to go live on a cattle ranch where there is no one nice to bone around the place"
"You'll do what I tell you, insolent chit. This is your last chance to be a not-slut"
"Fine."
"Fine"
Katherine is the name of the girl who doesn't want to not bone everyone. And she meets a guy called Shelby on the boat and takes him back to the VERY BUNK in which Libby is stowing away. Libby is mid-gúna change and she's all blushing and modest and the complete opposite of Katherine, who's all "Let me show you my bruises, Shelby" within two seconds of meeting his grimy, lewd-tastic self. Katherine and Shelley have a little talk and then they're all "You and Katherine are swapping lives or we'll have you kicked off the ship" Libby agrees to this because she does not want to get kicked off the ship. This is only page 19.
Two months pass and the scheme is going fine, but then the captain calls her into his cabin. To show her a wanted poster. It goes like this: "Wanted: Elizabeth Hollister- for braining a man of the cloth and other bad things of that sort" GASP!
And then he's all, "we're going to hand you over when we get to port" and she thinks he is on to her game, but he just wants to hand her over to the local darkly compelling grouch, CORD CHANDLER. Because he thinks it's funny that cord has to marry a lady and stuff. Oh, that Captain.
And then Libby runs into Katherine, who is hellbent on continuing with the scheme. Poor Libby. She just wants to be honest, but circumstances are very trying indeed.
Anyway, just as everyone gathers around to congratulate her on her engagement to Cord "Grumpy4life" Chandler, the biggest cattle rancher round these here part, a piercing screech pierces the air. "She's not the real Katherine Rutcliff!" It is Katherine, who is being arrested for a crime she didn't commit. Her scheming chickens have hatched into the petulant roosters of wrongful arrest! All is surely lost!
Libby is kind of okay with Katherine being arrested instead of Libby. The mob suggests throwing her into the lunatic asylum, and libby is all : "Nah, mob, she's just a little distraught, let's be kind to her instead" Katherine gets dragged off to God-knows-where, swearing she will get revenge on Libby if it is the last thing she does! Oh noes!
Meanwhile, Libby FINALLY gets to talk to the mysterious CORDELL CHANDLER, to whom the lady she is impersonating (Katherine, last seen being dragged off howling vengeance) is bethrothed. And he doesn't want to marry her! Because he had detectives detect stuff about Katherine and they detected
that she was putting it about to all and sundry. Libby is taken aback.
Libby tells Cord she doesn't really want to marry him either, and he tells her solemnly "I have a plan". Cord's plan is this: there will be a fainting couch in the wedding place, and Libby is to fake-faint onto the fainting couch and then everyone will be worried about her and think that she is too fainty to get married just yet. Maybe ever. I am not sure how I feel about Cord Chandler. His planning is a little basic.
So then, Libby demonstrates that Cord is indeed the brains of the operation by going through with the plan and then, in the middle of it, changing her mind and marrying him anyway. Out of spite born from the fact that he was being too convincing while he pretended to be fake-concerned about her fake-faint. She sure showed him.
They have a lingering kiss and then Cord remembers all the ho-bag gossip he has heard about his bride and pulls away and gets all glarey. You can see the wheels turning- "This is how she reels them in" Cord thinks "With Kisses and suchlike. But I am one fish that she will not hook. No sir. Not Cord Motherfucking Chandler. Not Today"
They are led to the bedroom by a gaggle of lewd locals, saying stuff. Cord shuts the door and says to Libby "You are sleeping on the fainting couch tonight my dear" There are fainting couches everywhere in this town. It is like nothing I have ever read before.
Shelby saw Libby changing earlier, so he tells Cord that he and her did the bould thing on the boat. Well, he doesn't flat out say it, just implies it about twelve times until he gets a smack in the gob. Cord stomps from saloon to hotel room and throws a strop at poor Libby, saying "We are SOOOO getting this annulled" and "Can you tell me you are chaste?" Poor Libby can't tell him she is chaste, because of her lecherous pereverend stepdad's slimy fumblings. Which shouldn't even count, but it is 1876, so they kind of do. bah.
Also, Shelby is still in league with the real Katherine. They do it and and then scheme some schemes.
Also CORD CHANDLER is a man's man. Know how I know? He says "vittles." If he says "Darn Tootin'" at some point, I am getting this book framed.
Libby and Cord are going on a wagon train. Shelby is coming to. Although not if Cord has anything to do with it. Also, Libby almost told Cord that she was only pretending to be Katherine Rutcliff, and that really she was just a simple illegitimate laundrymaid, trying desperately to escape a dirty old stepdad. But then he was looking at some cows so she decided not to.
For some reason, Cord has to let Shelby the cardsharp, sometimes described as a "fancy dude" come along with them on the wagon train or else he will get thrown in jail. Cord is annoyed, Libby is upset, Shelby is smug and the sheriff is apologetic. Looks like ECSTASY'S MASQUERADE is just kicking off. And I'm not even 100 pages in yet.
Libby is falling for Cord. He is kind to his men and good at doing wagonly jobs. She wishes they were real-married instead of fake married.
She dumps a plate of dinner over his head to teach him a lesson because he is not putting out. He immediately crushes her into a manly kiss. But then thinks better of it and smears bacon grease in her hair. I hope this isn't some bizarre fetish of his. I don't think it will be though. Because the book is called "ECSTASY'S MASQUERADE" instead of "GREASE ME, MY LOVE".
There was a bit where she dropped her towel in a fit of pique and Cord saw "Her intimate core". Then he called her indescribably beautiful and insulted her for being a loose woman. He needs to make his mind up what he wants, this Cord Chandler. So mercurial and tempremental, like a wild stallion that needs to be broken in. Only the loving touch of a pretend wife can save him from a life alone, with only his cows to talk to.
Oh my goodness! The ante has been upped. Reverend grope-daughter and Real Katherine's wealthy father are BOTH heading to St. Louis. Elijah wants to save Libby's soul, and Mr. Rutcliff wants to check up on his newly married daughter. I don't know what'll ensue, but I hope it's hi-jinks.
THE REAL KATHERINE has paid an errand boy to take her to Cordell Chandler. She is pretending to be Elizabeth Hollister (Libby). It is all part of Shelley the fancy dude's evil scheme. Chandler has ordered Libby, who is being fake-Katherine to keep an eye on fake-Libby, who is also real Katherine. This is the twelfth night of trashy romance novels from the 1980s.
Libby and Katherine have a cat fight and Cord begins to admire Libby's spunk. Before this novel ends, I assume she will return the favour.
Libby finds a coyote pup and Cord makes her give it back to it's mother. Then, somewhere in the depths of his internal monologue, this sentence happens:"Was his wife really the wealthy slut she was reported to be?"
And then Libby runs into Katherine, who is hellbent on continuing with the scheme. Poor Libby. She just wants to be honest, but circumstances are very trying indeed.
Anyway, just as everyone gathers around to congratulate her on her engagement to Cord "Grumpy4life" Chandler, the biggest cattle rancher round these here part, a piercing screech pierces the air. "She's not the real Katherine Rutcliff!" It is Katherine, who is being arrested for a crime she didn't commit. Her scheming chickens have hatched into the petulant roosters of wrongful arrest! All is surely lost!
Libby is kind of okay with Katherine being arrested instead of Libby. The mob suggests throwing her into the lunatic asylum, and libby is all : "Nah, mob, she's just a little distraught, let's be kind to her instead" Katherine gets dragged off to God-knows-where, swearing she will get revenge on Libby if it is the last thing she does! Oh noes!
Meanwhile, Libby FINALLY gets to talk to the mysterious CORDELL CHANDLER, to whom the lady she is impersonating (Katherine, last seen being dragged off howling vengeance) is bethrothed. And he doesn't want to marry her! Because he had detectives detect stuff about Katherine and they detected
that she was putting it about to all and sundry. Libby is taken aback.
Libby tells Cord she doesn't really want to marry him either, and he tells her solemnly "I have a plan". Cord's plan is this: there will be a fainting couch in the wedding place, and Libby is to fake-faint onto the fainting couch and then everyone will be worried about her and think that she is too fainty to get married just yet. Maybe ever. I am not sure how I feel about Cord Chandler. His planning is a little basic.
So then, Libby demonstrates that Cord is indeed the brains of the operation by going through with the plan and then, in the middle of it, changing her mind and marrying him anyway. Out of spite born from the fact that he was being too convincing while he pretended to be fake-concerned about her fake-faint. She sure showed him.
They have a lingering kiss and then Cord remembers all the ho-bag gossip he has heard about his bride and pulls away and gets all glarey. You can see the wheels turning- "This is how she reels them in" Cord thinks "With Kisses and suchlike. But I am one fish that she will not hook. No sir. Not Cord Motherfucking Chandler. Not Today"
They are led to the bedroom by a gaggle of lewd locals, saying stuff. Cord shuts the door and says to Libby "You are sleeping on the fainting couch tonight my dear" There are fainting couches everywhere in this town. It is like nothing I have ever read before.
Shelby saw Libby changing earlier, so he tells Cord that he and her did the bould thing on the boat. Well, he doesn't flat out say it, just implies it about twelve times until he gets a smack in the gob. Cord stomps from saloon to hotel room and throws a strop at poor Libby, saying "We are SOOOO getting this annulled" and "Can you tell me you are chaste?" Poor Libby can't tell him she is chaste, because of her lecherous pereverend stepdad's slimy fumblings. Which shouldn't even count, but it is 1876, so they kind of do. bah.
Also, Shelby is still in league with the real Katherine. They do it and and then scheme some schemes.
Also CORD CHANDLER is a man's man. Know how I know? He says "vittles." If he says "Darn Tootin'" at some point, I am getting this book framed.
Libby and Cord are going on a wagon train. Shelby is coming to. Although not if Cord has anything to do with it. Also, Libby almost told Cord that she was only pretending to be Katherine Rutcliff, and that really she was just a simple illegitimate laundrymaid, trying desperately to escape a dirty old stepdad. But then he was looking at some cows so she decided not to.
For some reason, Cord has to let Shelby the cardsharp, sometimes described as a "fancy dude" come along with them on the wagon train or else he will get thrown in jail. Cord is annoyed, Libby is upset, Shelby is smug and the sheriff is apologetic. Looks like ECSTASY'S MASQUERADE is just kicking off. And I'm not even 100 pages in yet.
Libby is falling for Cord. He is kind to his men and good at doing wagonly jobs. She wishes they were real-married instead of fake married.
She dumps a plate of dinner over his head to teach him a lesson because he is not putting out. He immediately crushes her into a manly kiss. But then thinks better of it and smears bacon grease in her hair. I hope this isn't some bizarre fetish of his. I don't think it will be though. Because the book is called "ECSTASY'S MASQUERADE" instead of "GREASE ME, MY LOVE".
There was a bit where she dropped her towel in a fit of pique and Cord saw "Her intimate core". Then he called her indescribably beautiful and insulted her for being a loose woman. He needs to make his mind up what he wants, this Cord Chandler. So mercurial and tempremental, like a wild stallion that needs to be broken in. Only the loving touch of a pretend wife can save him from a life alone, with only his cows to talk to.
Oh my goodness! The ante has been upped. Reverend grope-daughter and Real Katherine's wealthy father are BOTH heading to St. Louis. Elijah wants to save Libby's soul, and Mr. Rutcliff wants to check up on his newly married daughter. I don't know what'll ensue, but I hope it's hi-jinks.
THE REAL KATHERINE has paid an errand boy to take her to Cordell Chandler. She is pretending to be Elizabeth Hollister (Libby). It is all part of Shelley the fancy dude's evil scheme. Chandler has ordered Libby, who is being fake-Katherine to keep an eye on fake-Libby, who is also real Katherine. This is the twelfth night of trashy romance novels from the 1980s.
Libby and Katherine have a cat fight and Cord begins to admire Libby's spunk. Before this novel ends, I assume she will return the favour.
Libby finds a coyote pup and Cord makes her give it back to it's mother. Then, somewhere in the depths of his internal monologue, this sentence happens:"Was his wife really the wealthy slut she was reported to be?"
Fake-Katherine and real Katherine are BOTH trying to seduce Cordell. Cordell is stoic. He is used to this kind of thing. It happens all the time when you're an alpha male who owns a lot of cows.
Cord kissed fake-Libby to make real Libby jealous. Real Libby WAS jealous. And sad.
Oh my goodness! Aunt Mathilde has arrived and the jig is up because she has met the real Katherine! In other news, if I ever have a daughter, I shall name her Aunt Mathilde.
Libby is trying to brazen it out. Meanwhile, Cordell has gotten Katherine and Shelley thrown in jail. They are indeed a power couple, no wonder they look so pleased with themselves and each other on the cover.
Aha! We have finally gotten some much needed insight into Cord's hatred of sluts and their slutty, slutty ways. He was engaged to a lady once and, while he was off doing cattle-related things, she got pregnant with another man's child. This is why he was willing to get arranged-married in the first place. Aunt Mathilde is a font of information.
Libby is going to come clean. But then Cord comes home to her with one thing on his mind, so she postpones the whole honesty bit in favour of some married loving.
Cord finds out that Libby is a SURPRISE VIRGIN!. He is aghast! His world crumbles around him. If his wife is not the big ho-bag the Pinkerton detective agency told him she was, then who the devil is she?
Mathilde has met the real Katherine! She knows that Libby is an identity stealer of the highest order. But she's not freeing real Katherine from the town jail just yet, so maybe she will take Libby's side in this ecstatic masquerade of hearts and cowmen? Who knows? And, with 162 pages to go, anything could happen!
Reverend Aardsworth is on his way to Libby. His heart is full of vengeance. He is constantly spitting bile and wrath, damnation and hell-fire. He is like the kind of priest you'd get in an rte mini-series set in the 1950s. Only southern.
Aunt Mathilde is basically me. She says things like "Don't cloud the issue with food, young lady!" I, too, am often distracted by snacks while trying to ascertain the true identity of a beautiful impostress. Mathilde is my fictional lady-brother from another mother.
Lying to Cord's Aunt Mathilde her would be like lying to Judi Dench or Maggie Smith. This means Libby has no choice but to reveal all. I think I might be in love with Aunt Mathilde. I hope she and Libby end up together, wearing sumptuous moss-green fabrics and drinking tea and breeding greyhounds. Ecstasy could know no greater masquerade surely.Libby wants to wait till she's sure that Cord loves her back, before telling him she's not who she claims to be. As strategies go, it's pretty much on a par with The Rules.
Libby is having her pretty woman moment. There was a stunning milliner flirting with Cord, and she was all "Excuse me, I am his wife and, I don't care if it is 1876, I require the most eighties dress you have in stock. It will have frills and midnight blue trim and if you do not make it to my exact specifications I will throw one of my husbands many cows at you. Also, not to be anachronistic, but oh and snap."
Lynette the milliner/ dressmaker has planned some sort of nefarious thing with the dress, sewing it much too tight, so Libby will pop out and Cord will realise what a mistake he has made in marrying her. What she doesn't realise is that Aunt Mathilde is an expert seamstress. Nobody is any good at scheming in this book. It is kind of disheartening.
Aunt Mathilde just waved her lorgnette in the air with a flourish. I want her to have her own spin-off book where she goes to the opera and investigates murders.
Cord and Libby are "drenched with the hot beads of their exertions" Ah, the flowery language of love. Speaking of love, Cord is in love with Libby. He admitted it to himself and then punched a desk and said "Damn, it!". It is hard being an alpha male, SO MANY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS, all of them manly as the day is long.
Cord's ex-fiancée Caroline has shown up. So far the villain count is: Shelby, Real Katherine, Evil Step-Reverend, Lynette the malicious milliner and Caroline. That's a lot of villain for any fledgling marriage. If not for Aunt Mathilde, Cord and Libby would be fecked altogether.
Ah, lest we forget that this is a HISTORICAL romance, someone just said "particularly since this messy business with Custer at Little Big Horn.." Libby didn't pay any heed though, she was too busy showing Cord's ex-fiancée how untroubled she is by her presence. It takes a lot of effort to appear suitably untroubled at a fancy party. You can't just phone that shit in.
Cord told Libby he loved her. And she told him "I'm not Katherine Rutcliff" OMG! What will he do? What will he say? Will he smear bacon grease in her hair again, or simply punch a desk?" So many possibilities, all of them manly.
So, Cord throws Libby across his shoulder and bundles her into a hotel room for questioning. His veins throb, his eyes become steely, his hands occasionally grip her shoulders fiercely. Functional Relationship, Ahoy!
Libby tells Cord that she loooooves him. He tells her that he looooves her back. This song plays in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbl-DJtcHRI
Presented without comment :" Long, langorous strokes built their ardour beyond convention until they escaped the perimeters of conciousness, exchanging the known limits of wild, raging rapture for the transcendental mysticism of their union."
Libby and Cord have gone to Deer Lodge, to live peaceful lives. But wait! Katherine Rutcliff has broken out of jail and is on her way to join them. Also joining them is blissfully ignorant wealthy Paw, Addison Rutcliff. He is so pleased people keep telling him how nice Katherine is. It never occurs to him for a second that the Katherine they are talking about is just a reverend-smiting stowaway who stole the identity of his daughter under duress and went on to fall in love with the husband she never envisioned having. He's pretty stupid, for a wealthy industrialist.
So Katherine arrives at Deer Lodge and convinces Libby to convince Cord to play along with her scheme. Her scheme is not letting her Dad find out she didn't really marry Cord Chandler like he told her to do by posing as his wife. It is a pretty simple scheme, resulting in yet another identity switch for Libby, who shall play a humble maidservant in her own home.
Also, everyone keeps making snarky comments about Katherine's thickening waist. Especially Libby, as it happens. She's all "Who ate all the pies Katherine? Was it you, you big fatty fats fats fats?" Libby can be kind of a tool.
So, Addison arrives and Aunt Mathilde is sporting a splendid lady-boner for the wealthy businessman. He broke her heart back in the day, condemning her to a life of amazing dowagery and fabulous lorgnette wielding.
Katherine apologises and is nice to people. All she wanted was to be accepted for what she was. A promiscuous heiress. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson.
Cordell and Libby are going to have another wedding. One where she isn't posing as Katherine. But their special day is cut short when Cord receives a telegram about the Reverend and decides to confront Libby over a romantic picnic. Cord used to confront people better earlier on in this novel.
No-one is going to arrest Libby! Her step-dad is FURIOUS. This bodes ill.
Cord and the reverend are having a punch-up. Cord is the romantic lead in this novel, so he is winning.
The reverend is arrested for an old crime he did back when he had another name, Libby's Mom is coming to live with them and Cord gives Libby a puppy. This ending is ridiculously happy. Ecstatic, even. Though the masquerade is ended, there will always be ecstasy.
Reverend Aardsworth is on his way to Libby. His heart is full of vengeance. He is constantly spitting bile and wrath, damnation and hell-fire. He is like the kind of priest you'd get in an rte mini-series set in the 1950s. Only southern.
Aunt Mathilde is basically me. She says things like "Don't cloud the issue with food, young lady!" I, too, am often distracted by snacks while trying to ascertain the true identity of a beautiful impostress. Mathilde is my fictional lady-brother from another mother.
Lying to Cord's Aunt Mathilde her would be like lying to Judi Dench or Maggie Smith. This means Libby has no choice but to reveal all. I think I might be in love with Aunt Mathilde. I hope she and Libby end up together, wearing sumptuous moss-green fabrics and drinking tea and breeding greyhounds. Ecstasy could know no greater masquerade surely.Libby wants to wait till she's sure that Cord loves her back, before telling him she's not who she claims to be. As strategies go, it's pretty much on a par with The Rules.
Libby is having her pretty woman moment. There was a stunning milliner flirting with Cord, and she was all "Excuse me, I am his wife and, I don't care if it is 1876, I require the most eighties dress you have in stock. It will have frills and midnight blue trim and if you do not make it to my exact specifications I will throw one of my husbands many cows at you. Also, not to be anachronistic, but oh and snap."
Lynette the milliner/ dressmaker has planned some sort of nefarious thing with the dress, sewing it much too tight, so Libby will pop out and Cord will realise what a mistake he has made in marrying her. What she doesn't realise is that Aunt Mathilde is an expert seamstress. Nobody is any good at scheming in this book. It is kind of disheartening.
Aunt Mathilde just waved her lorgnette in the air with a flourish. I want her to have her own spin-off book where she goes to the opera and investigates murders.
Cord and Libby are "drenched with the hot beads of their exertions" Ah, the flowery language of love. Speaking of love, Cord is in love with Libby. He admitted it to himself and then punched a desk and said "Damn, it!". It is hard being an alpha male, SO MANY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS, all of them manly as the day is long.
Cord's ex-fiancée Caroline has shown up. So far the villain count is: Shelby, Real Katherine, Evil Step-Reverend, Lynette the malicious milliner and Caroline. That's a lot of villain for any fledgling marriage. If not for Aunt Mathilde, Cord and Libby would be fecked altogether.
Ah, lest we forget that this is a HISTORICAL romance, someone just said "particularly since this messy business with Custer at Little Big Horn.." Libby didn't pay any heed though, she was too busy showing Cord's ex-fiancée how untroubled she is by her presence. It takes a lot of effort to appear suitably untroubled at a fancy party. You can't just phone that shit in.
Cord told Libby he loved her. And she told him "I'm not Katherine Rutcliff" OMG! What will he do? What will he say? Will he smear bacon grease in her hair again, or simply punch a desk?" So many possibilities, all of them manly.
So, Cord throws Libby across his shoulder and bundles her into a hotel room for questioning. His veins throb, his eyes become steely, his hands occasionally grip her shoulders fiercely. Functional Relationship, Ahoy!
Libby tells Cord that she loooooves him. He tells her that he looooves her back. This song plays in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbl-DJtcHRI
Presented without comment :" Long, langorous strokes built their ardour beyond convention until they escaped the perimeters of conciousness, exchanging the known limits of wild, raging rapture for the transcendental mysticism of their union."
Libby and Cord have gone to Deer Lodge, to live peaceful lives. But wait! Katherine Rutcliff has broken out of jail and is on her way to join them. Also joining them is blissfully ignorant wealthy Paw, Addison Rutcliff. He is so pleased people keep telling him how nice Katherine is. It never occurs to him for a second that the Katherine they are talking about is just a reverend-smiting stowaway who stole the identity of his daughter under duress and went on to fall in love with the husband she never envisioned having. He's pretty stupid, for a wealthy industrialist.
So Katherine arrives at Deer Lodge and convinces Libby to convince Cord to play along with her scheme. Her scheme is not letting her Dad find out she didn't really marry Cord Chandler like he told her to do by posing as his wife. It is a pretty simple scheme, resulting in yet another identity switch for Libby, who shall play a humble maidservant in her own home.
Also, everyone keeps making snarky comments about Katherine's thickening waist. Especially Libby, as it happens. She's all "Who ate all the pies Katherine? Was it you, you big fatty fats fats fats?" Libby can be kind of a tool.
So, Addison arrives and Aunt Mathilde is sporting a splendid lady-boner for the wealthy businessman. He broke her heart back in the day, condemning her to a life of amazing dowagery and fabulous lorgnette wielding.
Cordell and Libby are going to have another wedding. One where she isn't posing as Katherine. But their special day is cut short when Cord receives a telegram about the Reverend and decides to confront Libby over a romantic picnic. Cord used to confront people better earlier on in this novel.
No-one is going to arrest Libby! Her step-dad is FURIOUS. This bodes ill.
Cord and the reverend are having a punch-up. Cord is the romantic lead in this novel, so he is winning.
The reverend is arrested for an old crime he did back when he had another name, Libby's Mom is coming to live with them and Cord gives Libby a puppy. This ending is ridiculously happy. Ecstatic, even. Though the masquerade is ended, there will always be ecstasy.
