Monday, April 2, 2012
The evolution of a small lion.
I am feeling very insecure. Theo is small, but if he grows bigger than me I will not like it. He is not as handsome as I am, but what if he starts taking those supplements that make your coat all shiny? His sheen might distract onlookers from how good his bone structure isn't. I wish I were a lion. If I were a lion, I would have a mane and there would be no contest as to who gets more attention then. "RARRRRR" I would go, at the top of my lion voice, as a team of obedient lionesses provided me with gazelle after gazelle after gazelle. Theo is as agile as a gazelle. How elegantly he popcorns! I am too portly to popcorn as elegantly as I used to. If I were a lion, I would not have to put up with any of this nonsense. Maybe I will be a lion in a bit, when my paranoia escalates a wee bit further.
He got given cabbage ahead of me today. I didn't get out of the castle on time and when I did, the sight that met my eyes was one of horror. He was munching happily on a treat that could have been mine. I got a bit of cabbage, but I didn't enjoy it because I knew he had some as well. Also he was finished before me and came over and tried to eat my cabbage from out of my mouth. This is super-gross diary. He is underage and smelly and I do not want his mouth anywhere near mine. I still kind of wish I were a lion. I would have been all "RARRRRR" and bitten his silly head off with my big lion teeth. Lions have better teeth than guinea pigs do. Our teeth are pretty ridiculous. Also, they keep growing all our lives, so if we don't get enough stuff to chew on, we might get into serious dental trouble. OMG, diary. This is exactly what Theo wants. He'd only love for me to have to go to the vet so he could eat all the things in the cage in my absence and when I came back and asked him "What happened to all the things, Theo?" he would only shrug his shoulders and be all "squeak, SQUEAK, squeak". That is all he ever says diary. I know he has a wide vocabulary because I found his blog. It is mostly about things he wants to buy in Topman, but he goes into a lot of detail about them. Sometimes, I think I hate Theo.
He tried that weird make-out food-stealing thing again, so I have decided to actually be a lion from now on. I have made a small mane out of hay and keep threatening to savage everyone. I will never savage you, though diary. I need you to keep me sane. Theo's blog today was all about skinny jeans. I have a pair, diary, but I can't fit into them. My rump is too resplendent. Theo, on the other hand, prances around like some sort of angular rock god. I don't care though, diary. Because I am not a guinea pig anymore. I am a lion. I say "RARRRRR" now. All I say is "RARRRRR".
William the magnificent lion.
Does anyone know the number of a good guinea-therapist? Or failing that a zoo-keeper?