The Vampire Diaries (Extracts)

Dear Diary,
For hundreds of years I have lived in solitude. But now, things have changed. You see, there's this teenage girl and I find her...compelling. I often creep into her room and watch her sleep, having been invited in once while posing as a census man. Diary, I have come to a decision. I HAVE TO KNOW HER. So I have decided, once again, to sit my junior cert. I am a grown man, Diary. But I think how romantic this is makes what I am about to do okay. It's pretty romantic, diary isn't it? I mean, I'm always gazing at her intensely and thinking about stuff I could do to her. Romantic stuff, like writing her name on my ruler and then subtly letting her see that her name is written on my ruler. Or giving her a bra a bit of a snap on the way out of french class. Real romantic stuff like that. I bet her blood would taste good, way better than all these rabbits and deer I've been subsisting on for about a decade now. Since I decided not to be evil. Murder is wrong diary. But hitting on teenage girls is the rightest thing in the world. Provided it's romantic.
                                               Love,
                                               The Count.

Dear Diary,
  She smiled at me. Apparently she saw me petting a rabbit in the park, and she has a pet rabbit too. Luckily, she missed the bit where I shoved a straw in it and drained it dry. Also, we were making scones in home economics today and teacher said that mine were the best ones! Also, in maths class, we are doing loads of equationy things. I wish we were counting grains of rice. I'm really good at counting grains or rice. Not that I'm bad at quadratic equations, I'm just pretty sure I'd get an A if there was some rice counting on the paper as well. I have stopped tweezing my eyebrows. I think they are more brooding when they fill out a bit. Girls like brooding, because it is romantic. She asked me if I had something in my eye the last day, when I was looking longingly at her over a bunsen burner. I was trying to look brooding and also longing, but for some reason it didn't work and I think it might be my eyebrows. They are a bit...triangley or something.  This needs to be remedied! I have waited 150 years to find the perfect 15 year old girl to seduce. I cannot fail now. Not because of having insufficiently attractive eyebrows. Didn't watch her sleep tonight, because I had to write up several science experiments in my practical notebook and draw little pictures of all the apparatus involved. It took AGES.
                                                                  Love,
                                                                  The Count.

Dear Diary,
I think she suspects! Well, TBH (this means to be honest, diary. It is How Young People Talk) I have been dropping hints. I brought some rice in for lunch today and dropped it on the floor and was all 'Oh no!! I have just dropped 767 grains of rice on the floor.' She didn't seem all that impressed. And then Miss Feelly came along and said I had to clean it up. I hate Miss Feely! She always gives me Cs in history! I lived through history. I deserve As! Who is she to deny me them? Well, maybe not As, diary. But B+s anyway. And I only lose marks because of my spelling. I am not very good at spelling, diary. I get mixed up. Words used to be spelt differently once upon a time. But, in all seriousness, spelling has almost nothing to do with the quality of my history. essays. It should be about content! Content is key! My eyebrows are growing back in different shapes. I think this is why I used to pluck them in the first place.
                                                    Love,
                                                    The Count.

Dear Diary,
I accidentally drained Miss Feely today during history class, and then I had to glamour everyone and it was, like this whole big thing. But I think my fair one is finally relenting. She keeps glancing at me with narrowed eyes. Plus, she has got these new pyjamas that leave very little to the imagination and I think it is because she knows I watch her sleep. Tomorrow, I shall claim her for my own!
                                                             Love,
                                                             the Count.
Dear Diary,
She has a spot on her forehead and now I don't fancy her anymore. What does this mean? I think I might need grinds in business studies, my balance sheets never seem to work out. It is beyond anything I have ever experienced. All this crediting and debiting. What does it mean? What is it for? Maybe if she got a fringe I would fancy her again. A fringe would probably cover the spot. Perhaps I should glamour her to get a fringe.
                 Love,
                 The Count.

Dear Diary,
 The fringe thing worked out too well. Rory has asked her to go the the grad with him. I can't compete with Rory, Diary. He is in Fifth year. And on the Rugby team. This romantic anguish is totally going to impact on my junior cert results unless I find some way of putting it out of my head. Oh, Diary! Sometimes I wish I could glamour myself. Off to watch my beloved sleep now. Maybe she will flash me some sideboob. That would be AMAZING. I will take my geography flash cards with me as well, though. I can have it all, diary. I can and, by god, I shall!
                        Love,
                        The Count.